He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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