i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
