i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she told me i tasted like america
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.