It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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