it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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