btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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