I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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