It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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