he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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