I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
