when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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