I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
