apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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