Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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