i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
