Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
