Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
