True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
