I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
