ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
