someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
