i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
