all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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