I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
