You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
