mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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