Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
