My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
