So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
