he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
