the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
