my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
