I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
