mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
