i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
