In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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