Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
