The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
