You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
