I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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