Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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