I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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