Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
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and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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