So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
