If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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