K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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