I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
