Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
