you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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