a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
