I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Couch. On fire.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
