So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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