Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
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It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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