I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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