Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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