Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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