You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
