You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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