I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
