got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
