I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
